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beginning again

You need courage to look in the dark, and even more to pull out what you find. Not only that, you need guts to be able to think about what to do with these things when you’re putting the globules, pixels, sparklets — however different — together in a room. I’m writing several articles and while some of these draw on my PhD research, I’m getting that research bug again and wanting to write afresh. But along with the excitement of the new, comes a little uncertainty about writing the new material.

I found this, written in the early stages of my thesis:

“I see what my supervisors meant when they said you get better at living with the uncertainty and anxiety of research as you get on and it never goes away completely. You just have to sit with it, write through it or over it. What is worrying me is that I may have become so reliant on language that I may not be able to find my way back to a sensing sound, compositional approach.”

There are two things here. One, I was surprised to find that I am in need of this very advice (really?) — after the euphoria after passing a PhD! The cycle of research continues, though at a faster rate. Two, I may have had times where I was writing more than I was making or playing, but I always I return to experimenting with sound and producing music. My body is fitter than it was and now I am playing the flute with more resilience. In general, even though my seizures continue, I feel very connected to sound and musical ideas. And to get back to my opening point, although there is uncertainty with bringing divergent ideas together into an argument, I am writing through it whenever I can.

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